Slacker, I know it...

So I figured I'd missed a couple of days blogging, and I look up and BOOM! nine days have passed. Xmas shopping, homebrewing, drinking beer, and a bevy of girls in little white nurse's outfits have occupied my days as of late (congratulations, Jess!), so I've neglected the blog. Aye, 'tis many a sad thing.

But, as Gloria Gayner said, now I'm back, with an even beerier disposition. But enough about me. To the newsroom!

Apparently the Boston Globe has just now realized that craft beer is a great alternative to a $5 six-pack. Thank you, Ms. Cortissoz, for shedding light on craft beer, as it has been hidden in the dark recesses of beer-drinking culture for decades. Psssht. My problem with this article isn't its mission: it's admirable to offer consumers a better product for less money, especially when it's beer. But if you're writing to people who are buying $5 six-packs and saying things like, "A corn-silk colored, sparkly wheat beer, not as pungent as a Belgian, but with some of the same banana and clove notes," I get upset. First of all, people who buy $5 six-packs don't know what a wheat beer is. They certainly don't know what a Belgian is -- never mind the fact that it's "pungent," whatever that means. And if you told the average Bud drinker that this beer had notes of banana and clove, he'd laugh right in your face. It's counterproductive to write about beers with such advanced flavor proflies and target such an article at American Macro Lager drinkers. You'll just scare them. This article is unraveling what we're all trying so hard to accomplish -- a more global appreciation of the world beyond American Macro Lagers. Due respect, Ms. Cortissoz, but you must -- MUST -- more thoroughly consider your audience before you write down to them.

Sparks, MillerCoors's abominable beer-energy drink hybrid, will be reformulated effective immediately, according to the Chicago Tribune. As it turns out, politicos don't like the fact that MC is mixing stimulants and alcohol. Apparently MC was criticized by attorneys general from 25 states, including Illinois where it will be moving its headquarters next year. Sparks, which made a name for itself for being a cheaper alternative to vodka and Red Bull (and just as effective at getting college girls drunk enough to think I'm attractive), will have caffeine and other stimulants removed from its future incarnations. Reports from anonymous (and TOTALLY reliable) sources indicate that MillerCoors, in an effort to maintain brand loyalty in the Sparks demographic, will replace the caffeine and other stimulants with crack. Bottoms up.

Apparently the next De Proef collaboration will feature Bell's of Kalamazoo, MI. (Other notable things to come out of Kalamazoo include Derek Jeter and The Verve Pipe.) Now, I haven't had many Bell's brews -- not available on the East Coast, as so many good beers aren't -- but it seems to me that their big sellers are their stouts: Beer Advocate says they have 15 different stout variations, including the limited editions, all of which are rated highly. Expedition stout is damn tasty, a thick, silken tribute to the wonders of roasted malt. So it might make sense that the De Proef / Bell's collaboration might be a Belgian stout. Which sucks, because as much as I like stouts, I severely dislike Belgian stouts. Picobrouwerij Alvinne's Podge Belgian Imperial Stout was the best I've had, and I thought it sucked gigantic donkey balls. Anyway, I hope they don't go down this road, because if they do... oh, who the hell am I kidding? I'll still drink it. Read the press release on BA. (Update: I just got a very nice email from Alan Shapiro of SBS Imports who cautioned against assuming the collaboration would be a Belgian stout. According to Shapiro, "I think John Mallet of Bell's wants to collaborate on something unique...." This got me salivating to the point where I had to change my shirt.)

Aussies have perfected the craft of creating non-beer. Just when you thought that Michelob Ultra had died a slow, painful death, I give you BIGHEAD, a no-carb beer that's sure to bore you to death.

Former Beer Judge Certification Program President and Treasurer William B. Slack of Nashua, NH was sentenced to five years probation, $43k in restitution, and twelve weeks of imprisonment as part of a plea agreement for misappropriating funds while heading the BJCP. Good to see this dirtbag brought to justice. While the BJCP will not make public comment on this issue, their website says they are satisfied with the judgement and now consider the matter closed. My thought: imagine the kind of homebrew Gordon Strong could make with a $43k budget! I shudder to think about it.

If you're on the Cambridge Brewing Company's mailing list, you must be getting tired of getting all those emails (3 a week, it seems) about their Brew Years Eve Party. Will someone buy the rest of the tickets to that event so I can stop hearing about how they're going to run out TODAY, so buy NOW? They should have hired Billy Mays to advertise this party. It would have been just as annoying. That said, it sounds like a crazy cool event, and you should definitely check out the details.

More later.

--MS